Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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