Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
