You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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