You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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