I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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