so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
