I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
