Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
