and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
