Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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