It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
