Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
