I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
