I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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