I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
