my mouth tastes like poor choices
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
