I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
