Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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