I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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