I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
