Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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