Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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