just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
