I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
