The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
