i need an iv and a liver transplant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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