I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize