I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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