dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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