Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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