you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
