they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
