another moral hangover. fuck.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
