Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
