his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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