I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
