I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
