I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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