I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
