: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
