Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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