don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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