I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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