I wannas sexs uuuuu
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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