i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
