Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
