I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
