i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
