Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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