How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
