He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
