I wish they made helmets for livers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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