Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
