its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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