So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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