So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
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The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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