mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
