you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
