Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
