I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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